From The Old Chapter Of Me

If you had been a real writer of words, I would of taken your sorted letters by date and wrapped them up with a red ribbon. There would of been a place in my blue suitcase for you but there is not. In my mail box exists 2 years of conversation and evidence of you and I. Writing and talking to you was a delight I had exposed myself to. Now you have become a spotted poisoned leaf falling. I try hard to think of the good things. The wonderful you. In the end of that process I am left feeling forsaken and guilty. Which brings me to thinking only of surface superficial reasons to let you nest in my heart. I want nothing more then to just forget about you and your talents. For you too have hurt me . Your mistrust and misconstrued ideas of me leave me speechless and pining for acceptance, that I am so much more deserving of. Yet in your sadistic manner you get off in denying me. I have given you every chance in the world yet you can not make simple time for me. To listen. To stretch of yourself. To think beyond your circle... to see that I have a piece in this aching pie. You could never see it because no one ever taught you how to love this way and the one that could teach you, that taught, me has passed away.

During the discovery of how fucked up you really are, my heart strings pulled in different directions as I actually thought I could save you. To think I thought that. No one could save you only you can. Knowing who I am and what I was willing to be or do for you, I can never go to sleep thinking that I didn't try. Sometimes I wonder why you don't want anything to do with me, anymore. You mask it in these games that you said you never wanted to make or play so that way I don't scratch beneath the surface. I could but I don't, for I know better.

The development of you and I was suppose to be a beautiful thing. Traces left for others to be jealous of. Now all they do is feel sorry for me and push me to give up. Which you know was something that I could never do but fathom the possibility now. I just wanted to be close to you.

To start the healing process you meant a lot to me. I will state that as I bask in your silence. I see that giving up on you is ok for me now. Maybe not for your family but for me it is like washing the sugar down with water to flush you out. It just goes back to an old saying from one of my old chapters. "Don't hold on when no one is holding back". Amen.